On this day, two years ago I lost my mom.

My first one. I have to differentiate because I was blessed with two earth mothers. That’s why the statement you only get one mom rings false for me. Francine was the one that I was connected to by DNA and biology and she is no longer here in body, but remains in spirit. How do you get on in life without your mom? Every day is different. Sometimes the Sun is fractured for me because she’s no longer here. On good days, the Moon vibrates with her laughter from beyond. It wakes me from slumber. Pushes me forward when I’d rather stay still and stuck in her memory. The things not said. Moments not experienced.

I still can’t watch re-runs of Fear Factor.

That was our show. We bonded over the telephone each week watching the crazy antics of people consuming bugs. We’d cackle so loudly that I’m sure our neighbors could hear us. We were miles away from one another, she in Detroit, me in New York, but on those evenings it felt like we were sitting next to each other. Maybe one day I’ll be able to watch that show again. I’m not ready yet.

I fantasize about my mom being with my sister Angie in a heavenly space

and that they are bonding over lost time together. Who knows what really happens after death, but this thought keeps me alive and moving, so I’m going with it.

I miss calling you Mudder, a name that you said I called you when I was little.

I wish you had been able to keep me and my brothers and that we had been a family along with the man you loved so much. I would have entertained you all with my made-up stories. You would have taken care of all of us with a fierce passion. I just know it.

I will always Love you Frannie.

only

the

love

remains

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