Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been
Who I am
Do I fit in.
Make believin’ is hard alone,
Out here on my own  

When I was younger the only early morning thoughts I had consisted of what I was going to eat for breakfast and what outfit I was going to wear. My mind was selectively quiet. It was a silent sponge, soaking up knowledge, only sparking my tongue to speak when it needed to and at other times it seemed like it was constantly at the beach. Riding the waves and soaking up sun rays.

Not to say I’m not a deep thinker, I always have been, but I lived more outside my own mind if that makes sense.

Now, it seems that my brain has diarrhea of the mouth! As soon as I wake in the morning, just like a sprinter, it’s off to the races. I’m processing the dream I had the night before, writing grocery lists, plotting out future blog posts, remembering conversations from five years ago, asking why this and why that, pumping myself up over current successes or pondering why my phone doesn’t ring as much as it used to. My brain never shuts up anymore.

Look, I’m not complaining. I’d rather have an active brain than an inactive one any day, but I find it fascinating that as we get older the thoughts we suppressed or weren’t yet mature enough to have ravish our cerebral cortex like two teenagers in heat.

We’re always provin’ who we are
Always reachin’ for the risin’ star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

Then I remember. My life has changed dramatically. In the past few years my work situation has been invariably different. I’ve done more independent contracting as opposed to full-time work. I no longer have a large group of work friends to bounce my millions of thoughts off of. My circle of personal friends has also gotten a lot smaller and more digitized. When I do “speak” to a friend it’s usually on Facebook or through text which makes for brief “conversation.” Some friends have moved or gotten married and some have faded away altogether.

When I’m down and feelin’ blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

A natural occurrence, I know, but my brain seems to be speaking out over these losses. It’s behaving like an angry pet whose family goes away on vacation and leaves him or her in a kennel. When the family returns, they bark or meow incessantly crying out for attention. They are sayin whoo hoo! Over here! Feed me, love me, hug me, talk to me. Make up for the time when you were gone!

Could it be true that all the time we spend talking to others makes our brains jealous? When those outside forces dwindle, the brain gets happy. Oooh weee mommy can come back out to play. Let’s invade her mind with endless banter about horoscopes, recipes and politics. Let’s beat her into submission by conjuring up thoughts of lost love and reality TV. Oh yeah, let’s trick her and make her think she forgot to turn the oven off before she left the house.

The brain, so beautiful, yet devious.

What about those friends and boyfriends and family members that used to be my sounding board? Where are they now when I need them to rescue me from my Chatty Cerebellum? Could they also be reentering a closer relationship with their own gray matter? Or perhaps they’ve moved on to create relationships with other humans that can lend a different perspective on things.

Well, whatever the case I’m totally cognitive of the shifts and changes in my brain and friendships. It’s fascinating and frightening, but very thought provoking!

I’m sure when I settle back into a regular work schedule and become more active this summer that my brain will settle down. I think I’ll call the Mental Miles Airline and book a trip to an exotic location for later this year. My brain has been a very social and engaging partner lately. I think it needs a vacation. I think I’ll also get myself a ticket as well and ask a few of those fading friends to come along. It would be nice to get reacquainted with the sun and sand as a backdrop.

What do you THINK?

Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been
Who I am
Do I fit in
I may not win
But I can’t be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own

© 2011 – 2014, TamekaMullins. All rights reserved.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.