Episode 3 of Look At My Fabulous Life! tightens its lense close on Vanessa Stone, a R&B power house who hasn’t had a hit since her last trip to the dope man. She’s been trying to beat off that beast, but watching singers rock the stage she used to reign is taking it’s toll. Next week we chill with a pair of radio shock jocks as they party the night away and do research for their morning show!
[iJournal Entry] – West Hollywood
It’s Sunday night and I haven’t done shit all day. I was supossed to have a breakfast meeting with Demarrco, some new cat who’s been blowing up, but I had to cancel. Couldn’t let that young’un see me like this. I haven’t had my weave tightened up in weeks and aint been shopping in a clip.
I really need to get it together. But I have been so beat lately. Voice aint changed, but the game shole aint the same. I used to be able to sell my shit like lemonade in a heat wave. Now, it’s all about the Beyonce’s and Rhianna’s. Hell, Beyonce might be on her way out anyway. Can’t nobody stand her. Quiet as kept I’ve always loved her voice, but damn, can I get some love too? I practically paved the way for that chile.
Anybody looking at my life would be wondering why I’m complaining, I mean I got the house, the cars and two beautiful kids. My man is gone, but what else is new? Ha! These brothers never could hang with me. Shit, with nothing hot on the radio and in the clubs, what do I really have? Nobody is inviting me to no parties and I’m really not as flush as I used to be. A girl has her habits and needs you know. These kids aint cheap either. Every new thing’ama’jig that comes out they want it. I got managers, publicists, agents, hairdressers, cooks, housekeepers and designers to pay too. Riches have to be divided. All this money is going out and no hits are coming in. So do you see why I had to cancel on ole boy? I need to be looking hot to death when I see him and my voice has got to be on point!
I have been dying to get nice for a while, but I had to leave that stuff alone. It got me through some rough days, but it almost took me out of here. But I can’t lie I miss it so much! I almost had a toke when I found out that Amy Winehouse died. That hurt me to my heart. That girl could sing her lips off! Then I thought, fuck that could have been me. Nobody see’s when you are alone and your records aint selling or when your family sells you out or when your man is cheating on you or when everywhere you turn people are talking shit about you or critiquing your hair, your body, your face and the choices you make. Yeah, we wanted this life, but no, not really. Most of us just wanted to sing and make a good living.
Fame was not something that I just needed to have. I mean, we need to be seen in order to sing right? If no one could see us and the lives we live we couldn’t sell anything. We wind up selling more than our voices and artistry. Our souls become a commodity. I almost lost mine. Sometimes I think I still have. At times I feel dead inside. To have this much passion and soul inside and no way to get it out is slowly killing me.
So I’m sitting here in this big ass house in front of my ginormous TV watching the VMA’s and remembering when I was on that stage. No one can work a stage like me. The moves, yeah I got ’em. The voice? Butter, silk and satin smooth with crazy range. Gaga is crazy as hell. She’s not my flavor, but she is a helluva entertainer. I guess that’s what they want now’adays. I can give ’em theater if that’s what they want. What do they want? What do I want? Do I still want this? Yes! God yes! Can I do it? Can I give them what they want and still keep me?
I don’t know.
Will I try? I have to. I need to. It’s all I know how to do. I sing, I be, I am. It’s me. All I know how to be. Without song and the cheers that come along I am…
I am… Amy…
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